I’m writing today to say I’m angry. Angry that I can’t fix you. Angry that I want to fix you. Angry at the food system, at the ways we are shaped by forces beyond our control. I channeled that anger into creating—digital collages, artistic headers for this website, something tangible from the chaos. It gave form to an idea still finding its shape, and for that, I am proud. Proud of our beauty and hope.
Yet here I am, staying up late again pushing you. I wanted to feel like I was liked today and I kept making myself uncomfortable not feeling loved enough. I don’t know how to prove myself to them and I don’t know where the need slips in more powerful than anything. Maybe It kept me alive before and I have forgotten how it served me.
This diary is a dialogue—with you (my body), with the world, with all bodies that make up this living system. I want to trace the thread of interconnection, to see how peace emerges not in separation, but in recognition—that we are not just in bodies; we *are* bodies, interwoven with earth, people, animals, all beings.
I don’t feel my mind wrapped around these concepts concretely but I do believe in how I seem to be progressing with them in mind I think I’m inching closer. Opening my heart to fellow beings behind the roles we all play is of great interest to me. They say when you meet the Being the conditional needs dissolve, I think its true, but I want to want those needs, they comfort me.
I want these letters to be as messy as me as I make peace with my body and being in a body, living through a body, they are very spiritual in nature I believe.
I want these letters to be a conversation. I want to make these letters a dialogue about what it is like being a person being able to touch the land but choosing to stay sterile, inside, comfortable in an odd way, one moment, and disadvantaged by those choices the next.
Sincerely,
Loving Awareness of Feelings and Thoughts
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